100 Funniest Jokes of All Time

Dive into our curated list of the best jokes to keep everyone grinning in 2024! From classic puns to trending new laughs, this collection is your go-to for lightening up any day.

If these don’t make you laugh, you might want to check your pulse!

The Best Jokes Ever Told

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Short Jokes

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
I invented a new word! Plagiarism.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.

Dad Jokes

Can February March? No, but April May!
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
I would tell you a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

Bad Jokes

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield.
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

Dark Jokes

My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I’d tell you a construction joke, but I’m still working on it.
I’d tell a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.

Long-Form Jokes

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

I said, “Wow, that’s an amazing car!”

He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year”.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

“Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”

A little disappointed joke on average student :

I asked my maths teacher, “Will we ever use any of this algebra?”

She said, “You won’t, but some of the smart kids might.”

Genders are like the Twin Towers

There used to be two of them and now it’s a really sensitive subject.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

Genie: I will grant you two wishes.

Guy: two? It’s always three, right?

Genie: look at your crotch.

Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick that I have now.

Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. I know my business.

I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p.

It’s my new year’s resolution.

Source: Reddit r/jokes/quora

A duck walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve poultry!” The duck replies, “That’s okay, just put it on my bill.”
A snail buys a fast car and has a big S painted on the side. When he drives down the road, everyone says, “Look at that S-car go!”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, a joke?”
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems. When it went to therapy, the therapist said, “I can’t help you, solve your own problems.”
A man goes to the zoo and all it has is one dog. It’s a Shih Tzu.
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here.” The string goes outside, twists up, parts his hair, and walks back in. The bartender says, “Aren’t you that string?” And the string says, “I’m a frayed knot.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse, unable to comprehend human language, promptly knocks over a table and gallops out.
Two whales walk into a bar. The first whale says, “Wooooooo. Woooooo. Woooo.” The second whale says, “Frank, you’re drunk.”
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence!

A retired army officer was watering the plants at

the front garden of his house when a lady, who

had just newly moved into the neighborhood

approached him. Since he was casually dressed

wearing an old t-shirt, shorts and slippers, the

lady mistook him to be a servant and thus spoke

to him in an arrogant tone. “You there, do you

water the plants regularly?” She asked. The

ex-officer, not taking the slightest offense replied

politely, “Yes Ma’am.” “And what other chores do

you do?” She asked. “I also take the dog out for a

walk, cut the vegetables, clean the car and bring

groceries.” He replied in the same polite tone.

“How much do you charge?” She asked him. The

gentleman grinned and replied “I don’t take

money, but for doing all these chores, the lady of

the house allows me to sleep with her.” The lady

ran away horrified, and the gentleman had a

hearty laugh at her expense

source: quora

The background context is:

One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

See Below for the question Paper

Q.1. Your Name…….. ………(2 MARKS)

Q.2.. Which tyre burst?(98 MARKS)

a) Front Left b) Front Right c) Back Left d) Back Right

Source: Quora

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it’s too cold out here!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Howard. Howard who? Howard I know if you’ve been naughty or nice?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Anita. Anita who? Anita borrow a pencil!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? No need to cry, it’s just a joke!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cash. Cash who? No thanks, I prefer peanuts.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you and I miss you!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Tank. Tank who? You’re welcome!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes a nice place you got here!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nana. Nana who? Nana your business!

Classic Jokes

What’s black and white and red all over? A newspaper!
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they’d be chicken sedans!
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh!
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick!
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!

Clever Wordplays

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Why don’t programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kat ads.

Funny One-Liners

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
My dog used to chase people on bikes a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kat ads.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.
The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
I’d tell you a construction joke, but I’m still working on it.

Hilarious Quotes

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
“I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'”
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.”
“Money talks…but all mine ever says is goodbye.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

Funniest Jokes of All Time Reddit

Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out!
I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
I’d tell you a Fibonacci joke, but it’s probably as bad as the last two you’ve heard combined.
Parallel lines have so much in common. Too bad they’ll never meet.

Top 5 Best Jokes Ever

I told my computer that it needed to lose weight. It asked me to delete cookies.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms anymore? Because they make up everything!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.

Hilarious Joke That Will Make You Cry

Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they are shellfish.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
Why don’t we write with broken pencils? Because it’s pointless.
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

Funny Jokes for Adults

Why don’t some people go to the library? They’re booked.
How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? It’s faster than walking!
What kind of exercises do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

10 Funniest Jokes

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.
I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a bit fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.

Short Funny Jokes

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I’d tell you a construction joke, but I’m still working on it.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

Best Jokes on the Internet

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.
I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints.

Very Funny Jokes in English

Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurosurgeon? Because he was outstanding in his field!
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.

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